Kaleidoscope of Thougts

Does it really matter?

2012-02-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

It all started on FB.
I saw the status update on one of the students' wall that the school is the current trending topic on Twitter. I then saw another one who proudly proclaimed that he was the creator of the topic, and was asking everyone else to join in.

I casually asked Zarifah to log into her account to read what the kids were posting.
I guess it started off innocently enough...kids were simply talking about their experience in school. But then, it started...the insults, the put-downs, the cursing and swearing.

The teachers became the targets of rants...
and some proudly proclaimed all the wrongdoings they had done, and all the rules that they had broken.
They boasted of their misdemeanors and what-nots...and it became a free-for-all.

Maybe I am too sensitive...maybe I am simply old-fashioned.
They are youngsters after all, right?
But age...is not an excuse...to publicly announce to the whole world how silly or stupid or moronic or unreasonable (a whole sorry list of unmentionables) the people who teach you are.

I think I am getting old....
Why does it still hurt?...
Why should I expect gratitude...after all...it is just supposed to be my job to educate...

What am I really disappointed about?
The kids? The insults? The system?

...maybe it's the realisation
that even though it has been 23 years...
I have not made a difference.....

I have outlived my purpose....

Battles...

2012-02-01T03:34:00.000-08:00

I feel...tired today.
It's one of those days...
where you know that no matter what you are doing, you do not seem to be making any breakthroughs...

I sometimes feel as if I have been 'fighting in a war' for the past 23 years...Each day, I wake up and prepare myself mentally to move on...and face my nemesis...

At the lowest points, I ask myself whether there is really any need to subject myself to such a laborious endeavour...
The routine this week seem to have been...scold, scold, scold...
O...I feel weary.

Who is in control?

2012-01-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

Looking at the kids I know all these years have taught me one thing: - that learning to control the emotions is something that is long and painful.

You can't protect them from this process of discovery.
They go through the difficult cycle of angry outbursts, frustrations,angst....from the lowest of the low, to even the natural highs. We cannot protect them from 'feeling' too much...lest we push them to a situation where they do not feel at al. Antipathy, apathy,sympathy, empathy....the scale should gradually shift to the right...to make them humane.

But that does not mean that parents , or teachers, allow the negative outpourings to just flow unchecked.
Children and teens do have to learn that when it comes to emotions, they need to learn to master them, or if not, be mastered by them.

No, you do not turn off your feelings...that would be so so sad.
You have to exercise self-control, ...so that your feelings do not prevent you from doing what you should and pushing you to do those that you should not.

I have seen adults who have yet to learn this...
They bellow, roar, howl, or even moan...
...unable to master themselves.

The Heart & Mind - One Entity

2012-01-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

I used to think that there there are people who are merely logical and rational, and the other group being simply impulsive and passionate. Of course, these are the two extremes with the shade of grey in-between. Of late, I know that having a 'mind' does not indicate that one is logical ; and having feelings does not really correlate with a compassionate heart.

The human mind ... is great, and has a tremendous amount of power...whatever we fix our minds to something, it has the power to then influence our actions. Most of the time, our attitudes are carved from the way we think...and in turn, affects the wall we feel. Or, is it the other way around?

It's like a chicken and egg situation, but I no longer doubt the symbiotic relationship between the two. Maxwell explain the power relationship between the thoughts and actions in this way.

Major Premise: We can control our thoughts
Minor Premise: Our feelings come from our thoughts
Therefore: We can control our feelings by changing how we think.

"You are not what you think you are, but what you think...you are.."

Hmmm...
How am I going to make this work for me?

Good thought...good thoughts...
But self-discipling my thoughts...now that's the new challenge.

A 'Bigger' Man

2012-01-25T00:20:00.000-08:00

Physical size is relative...that is obvious.
But what is the 'true measure' of a man?

In today's context...the mentality goes:
the bigger, the louder, the stronger, the more vulgar...
all the superlatives of things that shout "Look at me! I'm better than you!"
All that show of might, and power to crush any form of doubt about your courage and wilful energy.

Is that why?
Of late...we hear the sound of dissent?
The loudest voice of dischord chanted behind the cloak of anonymnity?

What makes a man, 'Man'?
Are the days of humility, service, patience, gratitude and tolerance numbered?

I see you...but I hear not.

Hang in there, my friend.

2012-01-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's good to see my friend, Zah slowly regaining her confidence and self-esteem.
But the road ahead is going to be tough, though hopefully, not as tough as what she has gone through for the past 17 years.

She has just moved on...from a traumatic marriage.
Theirs was a love story that started when they were in school...sweethearts at 15. She saw him through his trials and tribulations, and was his source of strength as he climbed his way up. They got married at 25, and were blessed with 3 handsome boys.

So what went wrong?
Here was a woman, a mother, a wife...who has been filial and loyal to her husband throughout. She was the one who sacrified so much...emotionally, mentally, financially, physically...who put her utmost trust in a man she called her husband..

She kept her secrets so well...that none of us knew her suffering.
How on earth did someone so beautiful, so intelligent, so vibrant...be reduced to such a sorry state?
He....He....is a poor excuse for a man....who lost sight of the ground once he rose to the top and got carried away from the temptations of the physical world.

She finally found the courage to walk away...
But not when he left her battered and bruised in more than one way.
Still...the agony continues...

I hope she realises that she is not alone.
We are behind her...and Allah is on her side.

Your time for happiness has begun, Zah.
Live again.

"You can't give what you don't have"

2012-01-21T05:42:00.000-08:00

I came across this in one of my readings...and want to reflect on this truism.
It seems to hit home...that a lot of things...do begin with 'me' first.

How can I push my kids towards success if I do not take steps to achieve my own goals?
How can I tell others to be happy, if I am oozing with negativity?
How can I motivate others to be healthy, when I neglect my own health?
....and the list can go on.

I do suppose that I will only get the best out of others, when I give the best of myself....
and so...
I'll push myself even more, in order to be able to reach out more to others.

Insyallah.
It will be done.

It takes quantity time to make quality time

2012-01-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

One of the things that we are currently doing at home is to create our own 'photo book.' Some companies nowadays offer a service whereby you can covert some of your photos into printed, book-bound versions. I had a great time selecting the pictures, and reminiscing over the past.

Memories...

I have come to realise that in some ways, it is really up to me...to create the memories that I want, especially with the kids. Some said that 'if you don't carve up the time, you can't create memories.'

Time is indeed a precious commodity...with, or without my liking it, time simply passes on...I have often been guilty of thinking,"There is not enough time..." But if time is indeed precious, why not spend it with the people who mean so much to me?

I want the kids to have a rich trove of treasured memories....of simple birthday celebrations, of walks in the park, of a quiet lunch together, of playing games...and even their growing up ones like "Tickle Monster' and Pillow Talk.

We cannot wait for memorable things to happen...we have the power to make it happen. ...but that requires time..

So lets make time for each other....cos you mean something to me.

Back to being HOT!

2012-01-16T04:59:00.000-08:00

Two weeks of school has passed...and I'm getting back into the groove of things. The last time I had a form class was almost 10 years ago.

I remember back then...I had taken that lot for almost 3 years, so they practically grew up with me. We had just moved to the new premises from Jalan Tiga Ratus. Back then, the population of the school was less than 800, and the school had lots of empty spaces to do many things. I had a nice spot in the level 2 staffroom, and my ivy grew abundantly in the cool room.

When I had to give up my class, I cried.
And I also remember the day when the class...came running to me, crying foul.
You see, I initiated the class reward system...There was an empty glass jar placed at the teacher's table. Each time the class did well, or the collective effort bore positive fruit, I dropped a marble into this jar. The objective was to have that jar filled with all the physical reminder of good work or deed done.

But in the 4th year, the new form teacher got angry with the class. Other teachers have been kept in the loop, and they too know what the marbles were for....But when this teacher was riled, he emptied the jar - as a form of punishment...Never had I thought that the whole class would rebel and become angry. You see, the whole purpose had been for positive strokes...You must never punish by taking away all the acknowledgement of good work. In short, he 'lost' the kids.

So I am trying to revive this system...but it is not easy.
It's a whole new generation of kids that I am trying to be teacher, mentor, guide, leader, counsellor, mother , babysitter and whatever rolled into one. Age is catching up, and I am not sure if I am still able to reach out to these kids.

But I do know what works...
Sincerity, concern, care...and a listening ear
The kids want someone who will have the patience to try to understand them, and their needs.

I am trying to re-learn to be HOT (happy, ordinary teacher)
But I realise, that a truly happy teacher...needs to be extra-ordinary.

Dear God,
Guide me...as I find my way.
Amin

Reality Checks

2012-01-15T04:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Zarifah came back from one of the open houses held by private schools. She has been visiting them because she wants to know what her options are.

I do know what her dreams are...at least at the moment...judging from her current interests. But whether, at the moment, she has the aptitude and talent...that's something that may be hindering her...She came back home, crestfallen, and told me about what she saw at the open house.

She realised that the competition is tough...and that there are many many others who are better than her...But, she is not wiling to give up that dream...yet.

So how do I, as her mother, support her now?
Reality is painful...but how do I not kill her passion?

It's a tough call...to follow one's dreams...
But...don't let go...for you never know...how one day in the future, that it might just come true.

Dear God,
I pray for the best...for my children.

Where does this road lead to?

2012-01-13T02:12:00.000-08:00

Last month, my brother, sis-in-law and I attended a special session at Tan Tock Seng hospital. We spoke to the attending specialist and therapists on how to prepare ourselves for the changes to come with the onset of dementia in my mum. We were advised on what actions we should take, and how most importantly, to accept that her condition is regressive one...and that one day, perhaps....maybe...she'll forget us altogether.

How does one react to such news?
It was not really a shock, since I for one, know that this is a hereditary disease...
In fact, I am glad that we recognise the symptoms earlier, and do know the long-term effect.

But deep down,...there are unspoken fears.
I can't even find myself being able to express them here.

But I do know that life is fleeting...and life is precious...
I will try my best...to make whatever moments I have left with the 'conscious memory' count.

I believe Allah will not test one more than what one can endure.
If this is my test...I'm willing to face it ...with HIS help.

I love you, mak!
Remember that always!...

Change...changing ...changed

2012-01-11T02:02:00.000-08:00

I'm here to start anew.
Nope, it is not about new year's resolutions and all that sorts.
I felt that my old blog has somewhat stagnated, and it was time to move on.

But as you can see, the change is not drastic...I merely created another blogger account...and I have yet to see the effect of the new template.
It does reflect the current situation.
I have 'moved'...but I am still hovering on familiar grounds...and I am back to re-discovering the things which at one point I held so dear.

I need to unload this at the moment - the results.
It was deja vu somewhat...when I saw the looks on the faces of several people the moment the results came in at about 8...that heavy, sinking feeling.

Accountability is very painful - it's though when these are the children that I have taught for the past 3 years...
What happened?
Maybe I have deluded myself...thinking that I have done them great service by teaching them all these years...and yet... MY FAULT...
The image of the samurai committing hara kiri continued kept playing in my mind like a video clip stuck in a perpetual loop.

I wish I can be as detached as the person who saw the crestfallen look on my face. I wondered how "you saw it coming right? Isn't this expected? Why are you so sad?" can even be uttered in the first place without a single emotion being displayed...

Yes, it would have been easy to give 1001 excuses as to why the results were bad...but the fingers will point directly back at me...I'm ready to accept the swift retribution from the sword of justice that will slay my head...but, at least, acknowledge...that deep down, my tears were not for me...but for the kids I felt I have let down.

I'm learning...
that perhaps...
emotional detachment...
is the way to survive?